Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop TalkingQuiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Once upon a time there was a woman who dreaded the staff meeting roundtable, when each person had to share what was good or bad or on their professional plate that week or in their personal life. All five, nine, fifteen pairs of eyes would be upon her as she forced her voice to carry down the table, knocking off as few words as she could to express, “Everything’s great!” before turning her flushed face to the colleague beside her. This same woman could take the stage before an audience in the hundreds and deliver a speech with poise, loving every moment she was in the spotlight.

She’d spin around her shopping cart to avoid meeting an acquaintance in the produce department at the grocery store, then host a wine dinner that night for twenty strangers, the joy bubbling as much as the Champagne she poured, explaining to the assembled crowd the difference between méthode traditionelle and transfer method of production. She could spend hours waiting tables at a busy restaurant, engaging in happy grace and good humor with dozens of customers, but the thought of a Friday night party at a friend’s, hanging out in a kitchen drinking beer with a few people from work? She’d feign a sudden flu or a last-minute family obligation to avoid hours of mindless chatter.

That I am an introvert is not news to me. I can’t recall when I first took the Myers-Briggs personality test, but I should have INFJ tattooed on my forehead, for the results never waver. And at some point, I got the message that being an introvert doesn’t mean I’m shy, for I am not. It doesn’t mean I’m not a risk-taker, for I am, or that I don’t form deep personal attachments, for I have many. What it does mean, among many things, is that socializing wears me out. I abhor chitchat, loud people, group projects and “going out.” It means I love to lose myself in solitary endeavors. It means I love process, not reward.

It means I’d rather just sit and listen. And when I have something to say, please be patient. I’m not a fast talker and I pause a lot, searching for just the right word. And even then you’ll probably have to strain to hear me. Unless I’ve thoroughly rehearsed my responses, I’ll never deliver my thoughts with articulate confidence and my volume is usually turned to low.

There are parts of Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking that made me laugh, even as tears stung my eyes. Knowing I prefer to be alone—that I have little tolerance for casual social situations—never released me from feeling I needed to overcome my social awkwardness and impatience, my thin skin and tendency to fret about the future and things beyond my control. I thought these were faults, not characteristics of a personality type shared by millions, most of us existing in contemplative, considerate silence.

Through research, anecdotal interviews and personal experiences, Cain explores the ways introverted personalities manifest themselves in the workplace and personal relationships. The section on “highly-sensitive” people struck home.

The highly sensitive tend to be philosophical or spiritual in their orientation, rather than materialistic or hedonistic. They dislike small talk. They often describe themselves as creative or intuitive. They love music, nature, art, physical beauty. They feel exceptionally strong emotions—sometimes acute bouts of joy, but also sorrow, melancholy, and fear. They are highly empathetic…with thinner boundaries separating them from other people’s emotions and from the tragedies and cruelties of the world (pages 136, 137)

Yes, please. Reading this, I realized one of the reasons I tend to shut myself off and away is because I am overwhelmed by my own helplessness to change the world. I take things so personally and feel them so deeply that I become frozen in place, not knowing how to translate feeling into action.

When Cain, on pages 217-218, discusses her professional epiphany, I had another laugh/cry moment. Hers was realizing that she was never cut out to be a corporate lawyer; mine, a university or corporate administrator. There is so much about each profession at which we excelled, rising quickly through the ranks. But neither of us is cut out for committee work, for schmoozing and glad-handing, for blowing our horns—all required in legal circles and ivory towers and boardrooms. I loved the one-on-one time I spent counseling students, building relationships with individual faculty or business partners, developing administrative processes and procedures, doing research and yes, presenting at conferences and leading workshops, for which I rehearsed and prepared weeks in advance.

But I knew I’d never rise to the ranks of the one in charge; I simply wasn’t built for the social demands and networking required of a Director. So, for twenty years I left job after job just at the pinnacle of power and success—always the Bridesmaid, never the Bride. I never really knew why, except that something was inherently wrong with me. At long last, I accept nothing is wrong with me: denying myself the opportunity to advance is recognition that moving up meant moving into roles for which I was constitutionally not suited.

Now I am a writer. And a peaceful little clam. I work to create niches of social balance to avoid complete isolation—I belong to a book club, a writer’s group, I volunteer, meet friends for coffee. Social media is a great release for me, because I talk only when I want to, I have all the time in the world to construct my thoughts (which I can edit later!) and no one is looking at me as I speak. Quiet has given me permission not to regard my limited in-person social circle as evidence of a failure of personality, but as respect given to my true nature: “Love is essential: gregariousness is optional.”

In some ways, working through the theories and examples in this book is exhausting and dispiriting—if I’d had a better understanding of how I function best, would I have made different choices? Yet, the most important choices I’ve made—a life partner who is warmer and friendlier than I, but even more of an introvert; excelling at and loving parts of my profession that I’m built for and not being swayed by extrinsic rewards to pursue paths for which I am not; the dogged determination that puts me in front of a keyboard every day with few indications that I will be able to make a living doing what I love—I’ve stuck to my temperament. My life’s path hasn’t been without its stumbles, but even without knowing quite what makes me tick, I’ve been true to my nature. This is Cain’s consistent and loudest message, delivered with the gentle power of an introvert.

A Manifesto for Introverts (from Quiet)
1. There’s a word for “people who are in their heads too much”: Thinkers.
2. Solitude is a catalyst for innovation.
3. The next generation of quiet kids can and must be raised to know their own strengths.
4. Sometimes it helps to be a pretend extrovert. There will always be time to be quiet later.
5. But in the long run, staying true to your temperament is key to finding work you love and work that matters.
6. One genuine new relationship is worth a fistful of business cards.
7. It’s OK to cross the street to avoid making small talk.
8. “Quiet leadership” is not an oxymoron.
9. Love is essential; gregariousness is optional.
10. “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk. Use your natural powers — of persistence, concentration, and insight — to do work you love and work that matters. Solve problems. make art, think deeply.”

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17 thoughts on “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

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  3. Loved this post and yes loved Cain’s book too! I too am an introvert INFP and have learned to value my own nature and do many of the things Cain’s suggests. There’s something to just accepting your own nature as it is – if you are a butterfly at heart, there is no point trying to become an elephant!


  4. I was recommended this book many moons ago by a good friend and only the other day I took a photo of the front of the book for a blog I was writing..and now I stumble on your blog….serendipity..i shall begin to read it this week..thanks for the insight, inspiration and beautifully worded piece.


  5. thanks for this post! i think im gonna go pick up The Quiet this week! as an introvert, i sometimes thought living in this modern western society was not “me,” where being socially hyperactive is considered natural and easy. im glad introversion is starting to get more understood as something beyond simply being shy!


    • I’m so glad you read this- I was thinking about you and your sweet husband. I wish I and those who taught and guided me would have had some of these insights decades ago. Junior high and high school were so painful–if there had been some recognition how to reach and teach introverts instead of trying to change a personality…I can just imagine the hearts and minds that could have blossomed at a much earlier age.


    • And the expectation that writers must engage in proactive self-promotion, whether signed by a publisher or publishing on their own, grows greater all the time, ah-the irony.
      Two members of my six-person writing group are extroverts- makes for great dynamics!


      • This book has been on my to-read shelf for much too long. I really don’t find myself reading NF much but I think I need to start this one. Julie, your description of yourself mirrors my own self so exactly. Ah, the creative comfort of solitude!
        It’s true that self-promotion really is the expectation of writers, but it’s just not my style (or most of ours, really, if I understand correctly). I find it so unbearably uncomfortable. There must be another way, right? Those of us with true talent and ability to write what we really feel will find the success we deserve eventually.
        Thanks for this review.


      • Tim, I brought this home from the library a couple of years ago, flipped through it and thought, “Nyah, I’m just not in the navel-gazing mood” and returned it, unread. What a difference several major life changes make! I think some reads just find us at the right times.

        I’m so glad that you found a connection in my words and I can’t wait for your thoughts when you decide to read Quiet…

        Yes, I think of all the time that must be devoted to flogging oneself and one’s writing and it just guts me. I just want to write …

        “I never said, ‘I want to be alone.’ I only said, ‘I want to be left alone.’ There is all the difference.”
        Greta Garbo


  6. Yes, this. I swing between INFJ and INFP, but coming to understand my own introversion has helped me a great deal to come to peace with my own abilities. I have to speak twice a week in front of big groups, but I simply can’t do it without preparing notes first. Just getting comfortable with my notes took a long, long time, too.


    • Charlotte, I can come up with INTJ on occasion- the nuances! Yes, I really feel like I’ve made an emotional breakthrough this week- powerful stuff. I just mentioned this to a Facebook friend: Quiet helped me understand how I could not enjoy socializing, but love public speaking. I get my charge not from having an audience, but by sharing what I’m passionate about. And that thorough preparation-exactly my M.O.! (How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice Practice Practice).


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